Sunday, July 31, 2005
I feel damn miserable now.
7:16 AM
I am in no mood to write so much today, but I caught this.
Whoever is tracking this blog, you know I know. Hmm, I wonder if I should began a reverse trace. But you aren't going to persecute me right? I've violated no agreements here now. Actually, have fun reading. I like readership.
One rule now applies. My blog and I are two different entities. Don't
ever talk to me about my blog or refer to my blog when talking to me. Because if you do, you can't be trusted to read this blog in relation to the actual author of this blog. It's a blog for heavens sake, you going to hack it? Remember. Don't ever talk to me about my blog. If you are here because of a personal advertisement, fine I welcome you to stay, but if you chanced upon this site by other means, I suggest you leave.
I am not my blog, and my blog is not me.
5:15 AM
Saturday, July 30, 2005
I've been feeling the pits recently, today i was invited to go out, but I didn't feel like going. What's the point? Go there and show a black face? I am better isolating myself away from my friends for the fear of hurting them.
What's the point of going out just to spoil the moods of others? I am going to lose friends this way. Better that I just lock myself up at home aint it?
It rained heavily today. The sky seems to be mocking me. Or maybe I deserve all this. I am better home alone.
7:35 AM
Friday, July 29, 2005
It's all because of you,
I'm feeling sad and blue
You went away,
Now my life is just a rainy day and I love you so,
How much you'll never know
You've gone away and left me lonely.
Untouchable memories
Seem to keep haunting me
Another love so true,
That once turned all my gray skies blue
But you disappeared,
Now my eyes are filled with tears
And I'm wishing you were here
With me soaked with love all my thoughts of you
Now that you're gone I just don't know what to do
If only you were here,
You'd wash away my tears
The sun would shine,
Once again you'll be mine all mine
But in reality, you and I will never be cos
You took your love away from me.
Chorus
Girl, I don't know what I did to make you leave me
But what I do know is
That since you've been gone there's such an emptiness inside,
I'm wishing you to come back to me.
If only you were here,
You'd wash away my tears
The sun would shine,
Once again you'll be mine all mine
But in reality,
You and I will never be cos
You took your love away from me.
Oh -- Baby you took your love away from me.
4:55 AM
Thursday, July 28, 2005
I must have gotten out of the wrong side of bed today, I just don't know why I felt so pissed. I don't know why I am so irritable. What's wrong?
I don't know why but I was seething with anger, I felt hurt. I felt really irritable. I felt sluggish and all my movements suck. Why WHY? I jumped at the chance to spar. My heart told me not to fight, but my mind was struggling to redeem itself, my mind struggled against my soul.
I fought eventually, but I fought two lower belts. So what if I was more aggressive? So what if I managed to score more hits? When I fought, my mind was all clouded and my soul blinded. I just threw all my kicks at them, I just unleashed my fury. They don't deserve it, what's wrong with me? I didn't win at all, in fact I feel that I've lost. There is no glory in fighting someone weaker than you. I must fight the blacks, I must fight to redeem my lost pride. I couldn't control myself.
Do I even deserve the level of my belt?
Pain seems to be a welcome respite considering the tribulations I am going through. I kicked till my legs bled, till my muscles tore, till my skin ripped.
There is no glory in pain. Yet something tells me that, physical pain is nothing compared to pain of the heart. How do you mend a torn heart? In fact physical pain jolts you back into the unrelentless unfair realities of life.
3:42 AM
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Today I did my work, it don't know if it's more, or that every level was quieter than usual, there weren't whisperings, hushed voices, conversations, or much discussion. I wonder why, but yesterday's dinner with her was fun, just relaxing and laughing along with each other till the point that I sent her home. Fun just being together, that will be an interesting challenge. It will pay off later, already we're planning a shopping trip in KL.
Work today was monotonous and dull, attended 2 meetings, endured the longer repetitive processes later that challenged the weight of my eyelids, and fought the urge to fall asleep. It was so boring, I had nothing else to do, even doing the chores didn't help my mood either. I felt really empty, unfulfilled and moody, but didn't show it, i was blank and monotonous even when she came back to see me.
Ok, I have more important issues to deal with now, damn, and I have no time for myself or to even do some proper beefing up exercise.
What can I say about my current non existent social life? She brought up my spirits, I got spirit-lifting email, but i still feel empty. I feel so superficial.
What do I want to do? I want to buy a new computer, I want to do some shopping. I want to feel genuine mutual love. Everyday through subtle minor issues, I am constantly reminded that I cannot stay in this house forever, my brother is a self-destructing self-praising asshole, my sis an idiot with sawdust for brains, dad thinks he's hitler and mom can't relinquish her position.
I must leave the house soon.
Why do I feel like this.
6:55 AM
