Thursday, July 28, 2005
I must have gotten out of the wrong side of bed today, I just don't know why I felt so pissed. I don't know why I am so irritable. What's wrong?
I don't know why but I was seething with anger, I felt hurt. I felt really irritable. I felt sluggish and all my movements suck. Why WHY? I jumped at the chance to spar. My heart told me not to fight, but my mind was struggling to redeem itself, my mind struggled against my soul.
I fought eventually, but I fought two lower belts. So what if I was more aggressive? So what if I managed to score more hits? When I fought, my mind was all clouded and my soul blinded. I just threw all my kicks at them, I just unleashed my fury. They don't deserve it, what's wrong with me? I didn't win at all, in fact I feel that I've lost. There is no glory in fighting someone weaker than you. I must fight the blacks, I must fight to redeem my lost pride. I couldn't control myself.
Do I even deserve the level of my belt?
Pain seems to be a welcome respite considering the tribulations I am going through. I kicked till my legs bled, till my muscles tore, till my skin ripped.
There is no glory in pain. Yet something tells me that, physical pain is nothing compared to pain of the heart. How do you mend a torn heart? In fact physical pain jolts you back into the unrelentless unfair realities of life.
3:42 AM
