Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Let's see what the hell I can write for today. Today sucked. Period. Let's start from the beginning. I reached later than initially planned, it was a plain lack of self-control. The whole day was pretty much mundane. Even though we successfully tried out the new accelerometer board and successfully got the graphs taken down, I feel that we haven't achieved much in our project at all and progress today has been lackluster.
Lets see, merely 2 out of 6 deliverables have been done and a whole pile of work stacking up for me to do. I have been working hard, but have I been working hard enough? Maybe I have to work even harder. Today's testing did yield some encouraging results, but it wasn't conclusive work, nothing has yet to materialize in design and the VPP period is almost over. We only have 1 week left!
I am starting to doubt my project. Whether I will be able to successfully complete it in time. Later while I was working, I learnt about something really hurtful and depressing. Dammit, it's really my curse to have such sensitivity. It's a damn curse. Looks like I will just have to live with it.
So I don't have to write what I felt next, if you can't understand so far, then there's no point reading on. Later problems kept mounting to knee-crushing levels. The budget form was rejected by SU, I have to find a way to solve that, my project is stagnating, and tomorrow I have a symposium to run and I have no presentation ready for it yet. Everything last minute, limited progress and productivity and nothing but insurmountable problems that seem determined to crush all positive psyche.
So I left earlier than planned. I don't think I was wanted there anyway. My com went wonky just before I left, my mood was somber and grey. Later on the bus, I found out that I was lost when I couldn't recognize any of the road signs at all, so I dropped off at a completely alien location, with no clue where to go or what bus to take except to turn back to where I came from. It was raining, I was lost, wasted a lot of time and money and haven't achieved what I had set out to achieve. I was irritated, frustrated, stressed, pissed and just extremely disappointed with myself for getting myself in such a joint without proper planning or a back up plan. In the end I gave up and headed for home after failing to do what I had planned to do.
It's been a bad day and my mood is all screwed up. Tomorrow is just going to be the same if there's no breakthrough in my project. It's a downhill graph and it's just getting steeper. I wonder if my effort is just vaporizing into the thin acrid air. All the effort put in without seeing any return as of yet. Have you ever felt like hitting a wall only to realize the wall is mocking you?
11:53 PM
