Friday, October 21, 2005
After reading my own previous entries, I realized how depressing they were. But what am I supposed to do? I have so much to say, but since I was boiling at the tip of my cauldron of frustration, after listening to some depressing music and taking a shower, I guess I've pretty much cooled down now. Ok let's talk about the events that have occurred today. First I went to school, etched the new PPG and Bluetooth PCB after re-doing the PPG design. That took up pretty much the whole morning, and later I didn't go for lunch with them. I ate by myself and I guess this would be the start of the many lunches that I wouldn't be eating with them. I can't believe they didn't wait for me! But it's fine by me because I know why.
Then as we resumed our work, today is Friday and the project room is really quiet. In fact almost the whole ECE room was practically empty was testimonial, everyone had left earlier today as well. My computer was screwing up and I was at the end of my patience. I think my SD memory card has crapped up, with that losing some data on it.
Then later we found out that the etched boards didn't work because of a printing glitch. The error was only discovered after I had finished soldering the board when it didn't work and didn't tally with the schematics. I but I guess it's my own fault. Both boards were now useless. The whole day wasted! I felt irritated and damn frustrated. It's all my own damn fault that the boards don't work because I am the one doing the hardware isn't it?
That means I practically haven't done anything at all today, and to think I was actually happy about the outcome and finished Bluetooth holder board! When can I actually finish the final prototype for my project? Everything is screwing up, nothing that I make works, everything that I touch spoils. None of the 6 deliverables have been done. What the hell have I been doing all these weeks? Screwing around with my computer? People say I am working hard. Working HARD? What can I show for my project now? Nothing. Nothing at all.
After that my mood was really lousy and reaching the limits of my patience. I still had so much more to do but there's this barrier preventing me from doing it. So I didn't do anything else for the rest of the day.
It's like running a marathon to the finishing line elated only to discover that you've been running the wrong race. You give up.
But I swear, the countless times I have met with failure on this project. I WILL NOT GIVE UP. It's just that I am running out of patience and nerve to keep redoing and redoing all the boards over and over again when you discover the smallest of errors.
When people ask me "How is your project?" I grit my teeth and say "It's bad" or "it's fine so far" or "I am working on it". I am lying through my teeth, disillusioned, misleading everyone else who really cares for the progress of my project.
I was befuddled. What was wrong with all the visions of grandeur that I had predicted would come out of my project? The lives I am going to save? The breakthrough that it will bring? It's all a fiasco. A damn hoax. A piece of useless PCB board with solder and copper.
The bus seemed to take forever to come.
I am sacrificing my life, my nights and my time for what I had to do. It was useless. I didn't learn anything new. But I have to do it. Alone. I will shoulder all the burden by myself. I have made this decision and I will endure every moment of it. Even more sacrifices will have to be made on my own expense.
I don't know why I am doing this. Why am I making myself miserable? Going all alone and waiting for the bus all alone, thoughts wondering everywhere, why am I doing this? When I could be happy in the company of a loved one, hang out with friends. Do I chose achievement over life? Lets see how long I can keep this up. The people passing by seemed to leer with crooked smiles as if in anticipation of my failure.
There are so many times I have visions of me giving up and failing the project. Failing myself. Failing everything that I've worked so hard for. Failing my partner. Failing everything completely. I've even felt the overwhelming temptation to give in to exasperation.
But I cannot fail! I cannot fail because I have a project partner to answer to. Because of my project partner, I will work even harder than I already am. I will achieve what I had set out to achieve. If I fail, my partner fails. I WILL NOT LET THAT HAPPEN BECAUSE OF MY OWN SELFISHNESS.
I am now alone, miserable, frustrated and I have to bottle it all up. Nobody understands, not my family, my classmates nor my friends. It's because I chose to face it alone. I am bottling up all my frustration, because I can't vent it anywhere else, not through violent means, hitting a sandbag doesn't make me feel better, eating doesn't make me feel better. So here I am typing this miserable post.
I am truly sorry to all those who are affected around me. Especially my project partner, I know she's facing unnecessary stress from me and having to face my moodiness all day is extremely unfair, I am so glad she's able to tolerate my crappy attitude and sloppy work. I am feeling pretty much screwed up myself.
Never felt such hoplessness and despair before. I am truly remorseful to all those in my project room when they see my black face all day. You think cursing and swearing profanity would work? Dammit I think I am working pretty hard myself! Why isn't anything working?
So I have thought of the perfect solution. Since they don't want to wait, I'll have lunch by myself everyday during this project period. So for an hour or so my project mates won't see my pathetic face and they can enjoy their lunch and relax amongst themselves. After all since I am not wanted in their presence, I shouldn't see why I have to make their lives as miserable as mine. They'll enjoy their lunch and I'll do my work.
"No FX for an hour! Yay isn't that great guys? He isn't here! Let's eat our food happily."
Why tolerate my lousy mood in the first place? So I won't join them for meals and I'll eat my own solemnly in solitude. So they'll have a great dinner too! Nothing like a bad mood to ruin and spoil the whole day and destroy everyone''s appetites when it can be avoided. The solution is very simple, I don't eat with them.
Why? Firstly they don't want me there, so they quietly plan meals to eat amongst themselves, and they don't tell or inform. So it's fine with me, I hope all my project mates in my project room enjoy their meals as well. Secondly, my mood stinks, so I don't want to spoil everyone's moods so I eat alone. Life is as simple as you want it to be ain't it? Loneliness has always been a friend of mine. I will throw myself into self-exile from them so that I won't spoil their moods with my own cursed black face.
I reached home late. Cold, tired, hungry, and ready to snap at everyone who tried to speak to me. I am such a bane to this world. I am a living infection, a curse, a walking virus. Sucking up all happiness and joy around me because of my selfish emotions. When people are generally concerned I snarl back, I smite their genuine concern. I bite the fingers that feed me. I am a curse to society.
The next solution is even simpler. To prevent me from flaring up, scolding vulgarities or profanity or accidentally hurting anyone with my acid words especially my project partner. I will refrain from all interaction with friends and loved ones. Self-isolation will be the ideal solution to my problem. People who talk to me i will just give blunt monotonous replies, I'll only talk as much as I have to. I will avoid confrontation or even conversation with classmates. This is to prevent me from blurting out something that I may not wish to say. They say I am stressed in the centre. I AM NOT. Just do your own work happily and leave me alone to my own miserable thoughts. Frustration will be bottled up. I WILL DO MY OWN WORK MYSELF and solve my own problems myself.
Dear Diary, you're all that I have left.
You are only as miserable as you want to be.
10:53 PM
