Tuesday, November 29, 2005
It was a dark stormy lonely night.
8:24 PM
Monday, November 28, 2005
Heal my broken heart.
8:23 PM
Saturday, November 26, 2005
Today one whole day’s tension vaporized by one reply. Haha, let the picture tell the rest of the story.
This is a good book by the way, if you are reading this, you'll know whether you need to read this or not.
10:32 PM
Friday, November 25, 2005
Today was crap. Only made bearable by friends. I found out the problem with my circuit, only to realize more problems will soon surface.
The I had to attend a really stupid wasting-my-time meeting. The committee is filled with such incompetence I was struggling to control myself from bursting out. "What the hell is this?!" After all I am not the chairman hosting the meeting. 3 meetings this week!
All the other sub-groups were so pathetic in their planning, each didn't know what to do, or didn't do it right at all, the deadline is only 30 days away and there's nothing concrete that has been planned yet. The location not confirmed, the program is tatters, everything is all NATO. No Action Talk Only. I wonder why I have to attend these kind of nothing-achieved-at-the-end-of-it meetings with increasing frequency lately. Maybe because of my position? I think I will delegate a representative to attend these kind of meetings on my behalf to prevent any more wasting of my time. 2 hour meeting with nothing planned in the end. WTF.
My secretary had to constantly remind me to control myself. I wanted to bang my fist on the table and walk out of my conference room myself. Such incompetence is irritating and frustrating. I think we were giving the "attitude problem" impression to the rest. But what the hell was this? It's going to be a BIG event, about 400+ students and probably a hundred or so lecturers are going to be attending, and nothing done so far. And they wanted to push more tasks to others?! Talk about irresponsibility and in competency. Pathetic bunch of slobs who have no idea what they have to do and would do slipshod if they were told to. Someone is going to take the heat really BIG time when the event fails during that day.
It's going to be a longgggg day.
2:11 AM
Thursday, November 24, 2005
Looks like i'll be missing SITEX for the first time since it's inception. But what to do? I am just too busy.
But this is sweet, 8gb thumbdrive. Eat your heart out!
2:06 PM
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Life AnalysisI think I finally understand something I took so long to ponder over. I finally understand myself completely! After these few days, going out with friends, acquaintances, analyzing my history, my past, the friends I have, the friends I used to have, my past, the things I loved, the times I hated, the memorable times, the people I've met, the people I would like to meet, the friends that I’ve lost. I’ve observed my friends, my interactions, their reactions, their actions, my family, everything that has happened in my life so far.
I read professional studies on human psychology, human thinking and interaction, interpersonal and intrapersonal interaction and communication. Read self-help books, personal accounts, studies, research articles, chicken-soup, experienced things that I would have preferred not to experience and learnt from that experience, I've learnt a lot during this few years of my life and have tried to understand every aspect of it.
Some of the conversations I had with my friends, if they were tests, I would have failed miserably. I may think that I am trying to make the person happy, but actually I am really irritating the person. I irrefutably go into ‘debate mode’ and everyone talking to me gets very tired and irritated, I finally understand why I am the way I am.
It is partially in my genes and in the way I was brought up and the environment I had grown up in. It has a lot of negativity to it, and I’ve searched for the answer for a long long long time. At least for 6 years now.
What is the meaning of life?
What is religion? Relationships? Friends? Work? Family? Believes? Ups and downs in life, obstacles, likes, dislikes, the events in your life that you would like to re-experience and the experiences in your life that you wished never happened. Work is not everything you know.
Now I completely understand my life, myself and what I have to do and what’s important to me now.
Not everything can be explained by science, more by philosophy. Believe in him, and everything is eventual.
What is the meaning of life? I've begun to understand my own. It's up to you to find out. How each person discovers their own meaning, will be very clear when they discover it. You are living your own life.
11:48 PM
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
I am really glad I decided to catch this show in the end. Really reminded me of alot of memories and I finally understand something I took so long to ponder over.
"Just like Heaven"
Reese Witherspoon plays ambitious medical intern Elizabeth, who regularly clocks in 20 hour days at the hospital. Her work is her life, much to the chagrin of her sister Abby, who is married, with kids, and constantly attempting to get Elizabeth to go out more. When Abby finally succeeds in setting up a blind date for her sister, Elizabeth has an accident en route while driving to meet the mystery man, and the stage is set for love.
David (Mark Ruffalo) has been apathetically searching for a new apartment in the cutthroat San Francisco housing market, while attempting to overcome his wife’s death two years ago. When he finally finds the perfect place, nothing is going to make him leave, and this includes the blonde control freak (Elizabeth) who suddenly shows up while he’s busy vegetating. She claims the apartment is hers, and it becomes ever clearer that Elizabeth doesn’t remember her past, and shows irrefutable signs of being a ghost. David signs on to help her solve her own mystery, and the the two grow closer even as it becomes ever clearer that they’ll never be able to be together.
The chemistry between Witherspoon and Ruffalo breathes life into the well-trod terrain of the ghost love story. The slapstick humor resulting from David’s conversations with his "invisible" companion is hilarious--in one standout scene, David saves a man’s life as Elizabeth talks him through the task. The ultimate message about the power of love and wisely-used time gives added resonance to the tale.
11:50 PM
Sunday, November 20, 2005
I seem to be a walking self-repressionist. Bringing depression and gloom to the paths I cross. I am cursed.
By the way, I've caught Harry Potter and it sucks completely to the core. The new dumbledore sucks, the plot progression is jerky, the dialogue is damn cheesy, they should shoot the producer and scriptwriter.
Can you imagine Harry Potter saying "I love magic!", that was probably the lamest phrase I heard in the whole movie. If you didn't read the book, you won't have the faintest idea what the heck the movie was all about.
The book was so much better. 2/5 stars.
10:54 PM
Saturday, November 19, 2005
So disappointing, just found out that I wasn't selected to go to Manila for the Sea games. Oh well, all the best Team Lions! Do SSC and Team Singapore Lions proud!
In case you don't know, the SEA games is going to be held in the Manila, Philipines on the 27th Nov - 4th Dec.
7:34 PM
Friday, November 18, 2005
If i had known penny loafers were so comfortable, I would have started wearing them a long time ago! Good bye Nikes and boots and hello Clarks!
1:04 AM
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Someone today said I am a techie, and that's the best word I've ever heard to describe my technotrophic side of me so far other than "nerd or geek". Hear that all you infantile sinners who have discriminated me with such blatant names!
Ok, that was a more drug-charged side of me.
Actually I don't even know what I am doing here. However, the more I learn in science, the more I don't know and I realized that science cannot answer everything. I believe in the lord and you may argue about all the scientific crap about the supernatural existence of this sentient presence and what nots.
There are many things that humans are never meant to understand, whether you like it or not, science cannot explain it because it goes beyond the realm of human understanding, and the air that you breathe, the very magical forces of life and the meaning to life can never be truly explained.
It's not about your life, it's what you make of it and how you live it.
I am committing my project in the lord, maybe that's why it hasn't been going so well yet, it's because I've been running entirely on my own steam. Have faith in him and all things are eventual. We as humans are just a sentient, singular and are weak individuals. We do not have the power or strength to change the forces of this work.
And again today I wonder why I hurl myself out of the comforts of the air-conditioned room into the mercy of the afternoon blistering sun. But it was worth it.
I think.
7:42 AM
Monday, November 14, 2005
My throat feels like it's burning.
My head feels like it's going to
explode.
What a waste of man-hours today. sick.
5:54 AM
Saturday, November 12, 2005
Some month old Newsbits in LIFE! Sun Yanzi is now single again! She broke up with her boyfriend Dennis Foo about a month ago! Yeah! I don't mind if she goes out with some Taiwanese heartthrob. But a banker?! Sun Yanzi get a Life! And now she has!
Ok, back to business today.
Today I went for the ICBME AGM (International Conference of Biomedical Engineers Annual General Meeting) in the morning at Suntec. (Whew, what a mouthful). I am a member and my lecturers are actually members of the committee as well. It was a relatively high-ranking activity at NUSS guild house.
The lunch was also just as expensive, I reckoned the whole breakfast and lunch was something I couldn't afford, (not at least for the next 5 years). Then we visited a classmate's house for Hari Raya. =)
5:23 AM
Friday, November 11, 2005
Today, for a change has been an interesting and happier day to punctuate my overall gloomy week. They're still talking about the "yang Mu Ze" and speculating all kinds of possiblities, tell you the truth, I'm pretty intrigied myself. So they're all high and I guess I'll just go with the flow for now.
Our juniors positron came by to visit us! Really loved that =) But I think the rest of the bme are starting to get tired of our bench's over-exuberant performance. So they left early, and we left the bme centre for our movie. I was looking forward to this actually after a sluggish week.
We met up with the rest to watch the "exorcism of Emily rose". It was a good movie, a 3.5/5 star.
Based on a true story, this film is both a riveting courtroom drama and a first class chiller. A Catholic Priest is on trial for homicidal negligence after performing a failed exorcism on Emily Rose, devout college girl now dead from assorted wounds and malnutrition.
Erin Bruner is the priest's defense lawyer, and Campbell Scott plays the chief prosecutor, who argues persuasively that Emily was likely suffering from psychotic epilepsy and could have been saved with hospitalization and medicine.
The demonic possession unfolds in a series of spine-tingling flashbacks and as it does so, the initially doubtful Erin is visited by evil forces and her own soul seems to be at stake. More than a criminal negligence case, the trial becomes about the importance of recognizing the limits of rationality and the possibility of a world beyond the visible.
In portraying the extent to which wildly different belief systems have splintered modern society this film couldn’t be more relevant or timely. Each character lives a life of apparent near-isolation, which adds to the cumulative effect of unease.
The house where Emily grows up is spookily oppressive, the scenes of possession are truly scary and a dark sense of foreboding may follow viewers long after the credits have rolled. Carpenter earns a place as a 21st century scream queen with her hair-raising, fearless performance.
I am now more firm in my faith in the lord.
5:51 PM
Thursday, November 10, 2005
My life is now like a picture flip book in a noir genre. In a scene with cynical characters and bleak settings and suggestive of decadence, deceit and despair.
We couldn't much for our project of this excuse and that. Every time someone asks me how my project is progressing, I will be at a loss for words. What can I say? I have nothing to show for my project at all! Pathetic.
I've finished the PPG board, and naturally it doesn't work. I wonder why I am even trying so hard in the first place, I am always expecting the worst and it always happens. Nothing I make works. Then we tried coiling the inductor coil with such a long wire and naturally it failed as well. First the wire snapped, next the wire tangled, and I gave up on it.
Need some time to think through it clearly.
Still it's been a long time since I properly sat down to read. A few days ago, I just sat down to read at Times and the books I read were all on self-help. Like "100 secrets to happy people", so cliche. But what have I achieved for today?
I enjoyed the short reading session with my friend anyway. =)
I noticed that my injuries seem to be taking longer and longer to heal, it's been almost a week and my ankle still isn't back to 100% and I'm already pushing my luck. My fitness level is really at an all time low. My injury is still bothering me and affecting my performance, maybe I am growing old faster than previously thought?
Throughout this whole week, I don't think I was satisfied at all, my nights were plagued with unpleasant dreams, I wake up in cold sweat at the daunting prospect of failure. I stay in school later than ever, work harder and harder and see lesser and lesser returns.
I felt distant and forced. I don't feel part of them anymore. Every long bus ride is a contemplation of my current life's direction.
I wish my partner all the best, and hopes she likes the present, but actually the big change will have to do with me. I have to stop being such a jerk, I'm really an asshole and spiting everyone with my acid words.
I had many dreams last night, and none of them were particularly pleasant, it was all my inner most worries. Nothing happy at all. About the friction I have with my friends, the problems I have with my project. IS was such a waste of time, 4 hours just gone like that in the morning. But what has to be done has to be done anyways. As for the assignments we have now, they're starting to pile up with the current count at 4 assignments. I hope to finish everything by next week, it may sound ambitious, but considering the progress of my FYP, I am getting desperate. I need to see some relief and progress for my FYP. Still I am working hard, we're putting in 101% effort, it will be all meaningless if all the effort was gone in vain. But I would have failed myself if I didn't complete my project.
This week has been a roller-coaster ride of emotions, project progress was depressing, friends and outings made my life more bearable and it's nice to know though. Worries constantly filling the back of my mind and assignments and responsibilites swimming in my brain. First stress, then temporal elation and enthusiasm, then expected depression, then unexpected elevation. Argh.
So they were asking how I do it. How I do what?! Lol, I am still as pathetic as ever. I may have hurt others unintentionally with my actions this week, especially my project partner. I must stop being such a jerk!
STOP stressing others. I am a jerk. Sigh, my genes are so pathetically flawed, my sensitivity, personality and character is a curse.
8:02 PM
Friday, November 04, 2005
Today was a waste of time, actually I feel fine, but I don't know why I feel hostile. Are they true? I can't sense any ulterior motives in her actions towards me though, but still I will keep my guard up. What's wrong?
Ever feel that life is overwhelmingly hopeless?
Ever feel like crying all the time?
You may be suffering from depression. Get help today.
Screw that.
I did some work, and left early. I didn't talk much today, didn't feel like saying much either. It's so unlike me isn't it? But my absence will be a welcome blessing in their presence.
I did what I had to do later, it was such a waste though but not a big loss, I'll attempt it again next week, maybe I'll do leave earier like today, it's for the better. There's nothing to be happy about, today wasn't too bad and my mood was pretty much stable. Theres no one to share with. Just myself. I was alone, but I didn't feel it. Maybe I'm already numb to it.
Loneliness will always be with me, it's my fate and destiny.
Actually someone asked me before "what about you?"
"What about me?"
Do I even have any feelings at all? even if a little bit. I searched my heart and no I don't have. In fact I am very happy for them. It's fate. I know I am not capable of what's expected of me. So I'll rather not spread my misery and continue to accept my fate. People even question my ability to complete my ambitious project.
It hurts to see the lack of confidence my own friends have in me! Faltering faith. Doubts. They eventually lead to dissenion, suspicion and eventually betrayal.
The dreams I have recently haven't been pleasant. The same scene flashes over and over again and I wake up in cold sweat. If I fail, my partner fails. I cannot allow that to ever happen!
Lightning steaks across the skies
Raging storms across the oceans tears apart my day
You're all I had,
Something strange has taken tomorrow away,
I get the feeling that I'm left with a deeper scar.
Lonely in my heart,
Heavens falls as I reach for the sky
Caught in a spell of this heartache for a million nights
So let me out in the moonlight,
Let me breathe
Your love has left with the wind
The pouring rain at my doorstep is saying to me,
"Oh where oh where can I voice my thoughts to make me complete?"
Forevermore inside, my dreams have faded away
You made me feel so small
You left a hole deep in my soul
leaving my world so cold
The flowing tears from my eyes will never put out this flame
Eternally rising up, driving me insane
The show is over, we will never be the same
When life fades to gray, Why must I pay
As you took my heart away
However my heart breaks, I still wonder why
we had to say goodbye
Help me!
I'm lonely oh so lonely...
Screw that, it's back to work.
11:22 PM
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Dear blog, I guess it's back to you and me again at the end of this disconsolate day. You are the only one I can turn to as of right now. There's no one else that I can truly pour myself into. Once-been friends judge, family compares, pals comment, buddies criticize, classmates stereotype.
Today's lesson were a pretty much waste of time with a gung-ho woman of a lecturer for WISP, I don't hate the module, I cringe at the fact that it's wasting my precious time. Every minute I glance at my watch hoping for the slightest indication that time is slowly and excruciatingly trickling by. The hands seem frozen in place, my whole world seemed in a daze, I am trapped in a prison all by myself in a dimension of forlorn solitude of unimaginable proportions.
Next was ISM. The lecturer wasted 1.30hrs just for introduction and thinks he's cool at giving others new names. Then he spent 10 minutes on the lesson. I know I am bordering on bitching right now, but that pretty much summarizes what happened during the inevitable lessons that are bound to waste time when it can be much better spent elsewhere else.
As for lunch the last minute realization came too late and I mentally steeled myself to eat alone. I didn't feel like eating with the others anyway. But guess what? I met my new found friends. So I decided to eat with them, after eating, it was back to continue our project. Actually nothing much was done today at all.
I did some soldering, I wonder how I am going to finish the whole PPG board by Friday. I still have the inductive charger to worry about which I am working on as of right now. What the heck am I doing? Aren't I working Hard enough?
I was invited to dinner by them, I had initially thought of going without hesitation. But when I found out that he will be going along. I immediately had my doubts. Still I did what I had to do, but when i came back, I found out that they were already gone. I was very disappointed to find that they had already left. Maybe they just asked me for the sake of asking. I am really cursed with this sensitivity. It's a damn curse coursing through my veins and I am having a hard time reigning in my emotions and the harder I try, the more miserable I become.
I am sure that they'll be happier of without me along in their presence and spoil everyone's hearty moods. So I'll throw myself into self-exile. To put it honestly, I was hurt that they didn't wait for me to go along with them. I had half the mind to stay in the project room and continue working. It was pathetic, being all alone in the project room working all alone. What the hell have I become? I feel F***ing miserable. So I stayed, the only pathetic person at 6pm in the centre.
I called to say that I wouldn't be going, maybe to confirm their happiness? But somehow it felt different. Why? Why do they still want me to be with them when I am such a miserable asshole? I am so extremely selfish in my own thoughts, people like me should be banished from earth to make our world a better place. So I've made my choice, you choose your own friends, he seems to be a far better friend than I can ever be. I'll rather you be friends with him and be happy than to be miserable with me. It's impossible to be friends who are friends of the enemy.
But in a way I am happy, because I am definately sure that they'll be having a good time without me around. =) If I can't be happy, at least they will be, and I am happy with that.
She is right, but I cannot be trusted anymore. I am miserable, decided to go home instead... And to think of all the happy thoughts that went through my mind when they asked me. The whole idea seemed like a pretty good way to relax and unwind after school. But that's all gone now. I feel like pathetic. I left at 7pm.
All I can do now is drown myself in my work and finish my project work as soon as possible.
Another miserable end to another miserable day.
10:23 PM
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
Deep Deepavali ThoughtsI guess it's time for me to blog again, blogging has taken a public taboo recently with all the racism and breach of trust policy scandals. Well blogging is a form of personal self-expression. The media in Singapore is extremely controlled under the reins of the government, no wonder putting us ranked 140th out of 167th in terms of media freedom in the global ranking. Why am I even bitching? Shouldn't all Singaporeans be docile and listen to the government because they want the best for us with the Singapore 2020 vision? All government policies are "for the best and well-being of all Singaporeans", which is true, but doesn't that make us babies? Every time I read about some commentary I can't help it but wonder at ourselves.
I am encroaching on dangerous territory here. I may get arrested tomorrow. We have people complaining that the ad stickers on buses make the windows dark and hard to see out of, and people miss their stops, we have people complaining about the mrt, people complaining about practically everything there is to complain about. Ok what is one single pathetic groundless voice going to do to policies? Nothing, I am just a minute voice in a sea of 4 million with just a nameless addition to statistic.
Ok enough about that, I am not complaining, it's just what is this world coming too. Global pollution, another war in Sudan, another terrorist attack in New Delhi, more devastation to natural disasters. Here I am wondering what's the meaning to my life.
Today is a public holiday. I had no choice but to reject an invitation to go out to nurse my injury. Twisted ankle, what's new? Pain will always be a part and parcel of life. It's the emotional scars that can never truly heal. Still I recollected all the relationships that I had ever had, the happy moments in my life. Swallowed eternally by a growing black hole that threatens to void the very reason for my existence. I remembered the happy times I had in the once-happy relationships that I had. I remember the relationship I am having now. The friends I have, the friends I have made and those who can no longer be considered friends.
I guess that's another part of life. More friends will be lost with each passing segment in your life. Every step you take, every milestone you make, every stone turned, every major event in your life will come with joy and the pain of loss.
I stayed at home today, conveniently working on my project. The report is complete, I spent quite a lot of time on it. People go "wow" at the report. So what? It's just goddamn words sweetened to make the whole affair sound incredible and life-changing. Big-fat-deal. It says "lifesaver watch", so where's the watch? Where's the damn watch? So what if I had a flashy report? Dammit, whattheheck have I been doing all the while? Haven't I been working hard? Then why don't I see any positive returns? Where is the incredible product that I've been talking about!? Time to stop playing a fool and time to work even harder, so what if you had a report, but no hardware to show for it? I am so embarrassed every time someone asks me how is my project going on. I have nothing to show for it.
I wonder what the hell am I even doing right now. This is going to be a busy week.
7:28 PM
