Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Dear blog, I guess it's back to you and me again at the end of this disconsolate day. You are the only one I can turn to as of right now. There's no one else that I can truly pour myself into. Once-been friends judge, family compares, pals comment, buddies criticize, classmates stereotype.
Today's lesson were a pretty much waste of time with a gung-ho woman of a lecturer for WISP, I don't hate the module, I cringe at the fact that it's wasting my precious time. Every minute I glance at my watch hoping for the slightest indication that time is slowly and excruciatingly trickling by. The hands seem frozen in place, my whole world seemed in a daze, I am trapped in a prison all by myself in a dimension of forlorn solitude of unimaginable proportions.
Next was ISM. The lecturer wasted 1.30hrs just for introduction and thinks he's cool at giving others new names. Then he spent 10 minutes on the lesson. I know I am bordering on bitching right now, but that pretty much summarizes what happened during the inevitable lessons that are bound to waste time when it can be much better spent elsewhere else.
As for lunch the last minute realization came too late and I mentally steeled myself to eat alone. I didn't feel like eating with the others anyway. But guess what? I met my new found friends. So I decided to eat with them, after eating, it was back to continue our project. Actually nothing much was done today at all.
I did some soldering, I wonder how I am going to finish the whole PPG board by Friday. I still have the inductive charger to worry about which I am working on as of right now. What the heck am I doing? Aren't I working Hard enough?
I was invited to dinner by them, I had initially thought of going without hesitation. But when I found out that he will be going along. I immediately had my doubts. Still I did what I had to do, but when i came back, I found out that they were already gone. I was very disappointed to find that they had already left. Maybe they just asked me for the sake of asking. I am really cursed with this sensitivity. It's a damn curse coursing through my veins and I am having a hard time reigning in my emotions and the harder I try, the more miserable I become.
I am sure that they'll be happier of without me along in their presence and spoil everyone's hearty moods. So I'll throw myself into self-exile. To put it honestly, I was hurt that they didn't wait for me to go along with them. I had half the mind to stay in the project room and continue working. It was pathetic, being all alone in the project room working all alone. What the hell have I become? I feel F***ing miserable. So I stayed, the only pathetic person at 6pm in the centre.
I called to say that I wouldn't be going, maybe to confirm their happiness? But somehow it felt different. Why? Why do they still want me to be with them when I am such a miserable asshole? I am so extremely selfish in my own thoughts, people like me should be banished from earth to make our world a better place. So I've made my choice, you choose your own friends, he seems to be a far better friend than I can ever be. I'll rather you be friends with him and be happy than to be miserable with me. It's impossible to be friends who are friends of the enemy.
But in a way I am happy, because I am definately sure that they'll be having a good time without me around. =) If I can't be happy, at least they will be, and I am happy with that.
She is right, but I cannot be trusted anymore. I am miserable, decided to go home instead... And to think of all the happy thoughts that went through my mind when they asked me. The whole idea seemed like a pretty good way to relax and unwind after school. But that's all gone now. I feel like pathetic. I left at 7pm.
All I can do now is drown myself in my work and finish my project work as soon as possible.
Another miserable end to another miserable day.
10:23 PM
