Thursday, November 10, 2005
My life is now like a picture flip book in a noir genre. In a scene with cynical characters and bleak settings and suggestive of decadence, deceit and despair.
We couldn't much for our project of this excuse and that. Every time someone asks me how my project is progressing, I will be at a loss for words. What can I say? I have nothing to show for my project at all! Pathetic.
I've finished the PPG board, and naturally it doesn't work. I wonder why I am even trying so hard in the first place, I am always expecting the worst and it always happens. Nothing I make works. Then we tried coiling the inductor coil with such a long wire and naturally it failed as well. First the wire snapped, next the wire tangled, and I gave up on it.
Need some time to think through it clearly.
Still it's been a long time since I properly sat down to read. A few days ago, I just sat down to read at Times and the books I read were all on self-help. Like "100 secrets to happy people", so cliche. But what have I achieved for today?
I enjoyed the short reading session with my friend anyway. =)
I noticed that my injuries seem to be taking longer and longer to heal, it's been almost a week and my ankle still isn't back to 100% and I'm already pushing my luck. My fitness level is really at an all time low. My injury is still bothering me and affecting my performance, maybe I am growing old faster than previously thought?
Throughout this whole week, I don't think I was satisfied at all, my nights were plagued with unpleasant dreams, I wake up in cold sweat at the daunting prospect of failure. I stay in school later than ever, work harder and harder and see lesser and lesser returns.
I felt distant and forced. I don't feel part of them anymore. Every long bus ride is a contemplation of my current life's direction.
I wish my partner all the best, and hopes she likes the present, but actually the big change will have to do with me. I have to stop being such a jerk, I'm really an asshole and spiting everyone with my acid words.
I had many dreams last night, and none of them were particularly pleasant, it was all my inner most worries. Nothing happy at all. About the friction I have with my friends, the problems I have with my project. IS was such a waste of time, 4 hours just gone like that in the morning. But what has to be done has to be done anyways. As for the assignments we have now, they're starting to pile up with the current count at 4 assignments. I hope to finish everything by next week, it may sound ambitious, but considering the progress of my FYP, I am getting desperate. I need to see some relief and progress for my FYP. Still I am working hard, we're putting in 101% effort, it will be all meaningless if all the effort was gone in vain. But I would have failed myself if I didn't complete my project.
This week has been a roller-coaster ride of emotions, project progress was depressing, friends and outings made my life more bearable and it's nice to know though. Worries constantly filling the back of my mind and assignments and responsibilites swimming in my brain. First stress, then temporal elation and enthusiasm, then expected depression, then unexpected elevation. Argh.
So they were asking how I do it. How I do what?! Lol, I am still as pathetic as ever. I may have hurt others unintentionally with my actions this week, especially my project partner. I must stop being such a jerk!
STOP stressing others. I am a jerk. Sigh, my genes are so pathetically flawed, my sensitivity, personality and character is a curse.
8:02 PM
