Wednesday, December 07, 2005
For the whole week.
The BME Christmas tree is finally up and everyone loves it. The lights really match the tree very nicely and the golden star perched on top is really awe-inspiring. The BME centre is finally distinguished in a unique way that the other centers have not been able to achieve.
Monday and Tuesday was spent at NUS for the ICBME workshop seminar, about regenerative tissue engineering, talking mainly about transdifferenciation of Mesenchymal Stem Cells.
But that week is about to take a downward turn. I performed the worst I've ever done in my life for Napfa. Fine, I did well for my sit and reach at 66 and shuttle run at 9.11secs. 2.4km was horrible, I clocked 11.15 minutes after developing a stitch at the 4th round. I was really down and disappointed in myself. It's a pathetic self-let down.
It was still a depressing night because my own niche in tkd has developed a real doubt about my performance. I am even starting to doubt myself. I hurt someone without even realizing it, I even thought I was protecting that person! It's a curse that has come back to haunt me. The morning was so messed up. The two lessons went by with my moodiness and forlorn face. It was a breeze but there was a torment inside my heart.
I didn't eat lunch with them again, I just couldn't face them anymore. I ate alone before leaving abruptly again, totally out of my own habit, leaving so early without any word or explanation. I left with a cryptic final statement. "relationships eventually fail due to the lack of communication."
At this rate I am going to lose all my friends with this cursed characteristic of mine. It's my fate. Oh well, the short-lived happy period just ended so abruptly with the onset of the stupid ECE society involvement. Or maybe I've handled the situation poorly. Then it's completely my fault.
Now I'm given the cold shoulder. Honestly tell you the truth, in my position I feel hurt, I went back to read my diary again, where some of my happiest days were spent, before it ended just as well. Now it's happening all over again, it ended even before it started. I am losing them more rapidly than ever. I may lose my partner next due to my cursed attitude.
But I feel so torn inside, so pathetic, so useless. The lecturers said I look so stern, the juniors are so afraid to approach me. It's just my accursed face. How am I supposed to smile? Give me one reason that I can smile for. TKD has no faith in me, my lecturer doesn't believe my project will be successful either and believes I should withdraw it from the project exhibition, and up till now it still doesn't work. That statement was like driving a dagger through my soul.
You know what? Screw all the meetings is what I would like to say as of this moment. 5 meetings in 4 days?! First the ECE meetings one after another, completely wasting our time, then the night was destroyed by him from ECE.
Even at 1.30am, he was still getting my comm to do things for him! I was really pissed and took over the job completely, how dare he get my own subordinates to do work without informing me first! I was very tired, but still I must be responsible, I re-did their demands this very night over 10 times to their satisfaction, I was irritated, how can you call someone to do something at 3am?! But fine, I'll do it anyway. It's so incompetent, last-minute, irresponsible, and how can you just say that I didn't turn up for the meaning when it was announced that very day itself! There was no notice, no agenda, nothing! The chairman, level-head, course representative thing is really getting on my nerves. I completely just "took over", and really snapped at him, how can you even be a president when you can't negotiate with people?!
I seem to be merely whining in this entry. So I will stop here.
Every part of my body hurts. I dress like 30, talk like 40, think like 50, move like 60. The whole week sucked. And it can only get worse. If I were to plot my ups and downs in a graph this week, it would fluctuate even more than a stock market at it's worst. I feel like crap now. I don't know how I am going to face tomorrow.
6:18 AM
