Sunday, March 19, 2006
Today I woke up. I had dreamt lots of dreams, and even though I can't remember what they were, I remembered they were unpleasant. The dreams smelt of Fear. Worries. Which is peculiar. What am I truly afraid of? Nevertheless it was powerful enough to rouse me out of bed.
I attended a number of activities over the past few days, but didn't have time to update, one of them was the TKD Annual General Meeting. So first I went to school to help them in their project, before leaving the BME centre, possibly for the last time.
Ok, at the AGM, we learnt of the final new committee members, then it was the certificate and prize presentation ceremony, somehow I felt that I haven't left nptkd honorably. There was something empty and missing. My friend was right, I think that's the reason it's because I didn't participate as a fighter in this year's IVP. After seeing the lacklusture fights in the light-weight catagory for this year's IVP tournament, I felt that if I had really gone down to fight, I would have been able to win a medal. Maybe if I had left Nptkd with a last passing medal from the IVP, I would have considered that honorable. Pathetic. What's the point of having good skills and training so hard if you have nothing to show for it. So what if you're good? Prove it. Unfortunately some people think that when they've won a medal they're very good.
That's why they fall in the end. Others like the BBs all thought it was a waste I didn't go and fight, actually I don't know how to face them about this anymore.
With my friends getting awards left right and centre, getting medals, I feel even more pathetic empty-handed. Some of their awards have prize money and all I got then was a pathetic cert without prize money. It's that inferiority-complex all over again. Now the only thing I can do is wait for the award ceremony during graduation.
Anyway, if I don't get a COM or any form of accolade during the graduation ceremony, I'll assume it's dishonorable and I'll never return to NP ever again.
Nowadays I don't know what to think about anymore. Like we drifted too far apart. Guess we all have been busy with our 3rd year. Next thing I would like to talk about that has been on my mind for quite a long time, bgr. What happens when cross the line to become more than friends?
When people become more than friends, they become lovers. For a guy to decide whether he should cross the time or not is probably one of the riskiest decisions he can make. He'll either lose a friend completely, or gain a lover. Can I afford to take that risk? Do I even have enough friends left to even decide taking such a risk?
I have been toying with that idea for a long time in my mind. The line was brushed. It was tense as I contemplated the gravity of the situation. For a fear that I have harbored in be due to past experiences, when the girl completely ignores you after you try to admit your emotions towards her and it went sour. It's worse than being rejected. You also lose a friend in the process. You lose some one. Something that takes years to build up can be lost in a matter of minutes, you lose something too invaluable to even fathom. Rejection is acceptable, but to put on the line a multiple-year long friendship? Can I afford to lose that gamble?
However if the girl said that if they were to really go into a relationship and it went sour, they would still be friends. I guess there is a little comfort in that, something like a backup insurance. But how much "loss" does that insurance policy cover?
That Friend-to-lover boundary line seems like a point of no return, even if there is a return, there will be emotional scarring that can never be healed. How much guts does it require for a guy to cross that line? The stakes at risk are only higher the longer the friendship has persisted. Especially if it's counted in years requiring the fingers of both hands to count. Or more.
The thin red line.
7:39 PM
