Friday, December 29, 2006
Why do guys lie? Well sometimes it's essential. What else makes the world go round and smoothes out love's sharp edges? Not alcohol, that's for sure. Alcohol makes us tell the truth, which is why we always insist on doing out serious drinking in all-male groups. Ever so often a woman wants to know why men lie, to which there are 3 answers, (all lies, naturally).
1. You are right to pick us up on this, because of course women never lie.
2. Because chivalry is not dead and we want to protect you from the distressing realities of a harsh world.
3. Because we can't help ourselves.
Actually, two and three are crap, but you'd be hard-pressed to find a man who hasn't used them or a version thereof. Truth is, we lie for a number of reasons – the essentialonesbeingkindness,selfishnessandconvenience. Put another way, our lies will always be a variant of one of these, "Of course, I love you", "No, I won't come in your mouth" and of course, "My cheque's in the post".
By lies, I don't mean the big whoppers, I mean the small get-you-through-the-day lies we use without thinking. Except for the real bastards, most men begin relationships believing that the greatest compliment they can pay a new partner is to tell them the truth – whatever the cost. And each time we learn quickly, that the truth should be kept where it belongs – in the witness box. Because, sometimes, lies are, well, kinder...
I have a friend, who has a rather attractive girlfriend, and one day during a party she came in a dazzling outfit, until the evening she asked him what he thought of her new top. Like an idiot, he told her. She had a major sulk all evening and a week later made a real point of telling him that she'd thrown the offending garment away. The odd thing was that Mike felt dreadful, not about her binning the top but about having hurt her feelings.
But don't get me wrong. Kindness isn't everything. In fact, there's usually a healthy dose of selfishness in most male lies. PMS and bad hair days are nothing to the icy chill of terror that goes through a man when his partner says, "Do I look fat?" (Now don't lie! We've ALL heard that!) Because there's just no right answer. Say yes, and we're dead. Say no, and we'll be accused of lying...
Almost every girl I know loves to bring up the "fat question" one time or another, sometimes out of the blue, but most occurrences are triggered during meals. However as a guy, if you think "What the heck, just say it!" and admitted that your partner had put on a bit of weight. You might as well have slit your own throat on the spot for all the food you're going to be allowed to put down over it for the next few weeks, amid cries of, "so it's okay for you to eat, but I have to cut down!" There's only one answer to the "Am I fat?" question. It's "No!", said loudly and with absolute conviction. Truth doesn't even enter into it.
If kindness and self-interest are reasons to lie, so if wanting a quiet life. I mean, truth often needs explaining. And most of the time we don't tell real lies. They're what would be the truth if life was a bit fairer. Face it, men will never stop lying. We lie about your clothes, career, friends and weight – and we expect you to return the favor, and we love you anyways!
5:17 PM
