Saturday, February 24, 2007
Early in the morning I was irritated with dad over the car issue, whenever he wants me to buy something or fetch him or someone, he would gladly lend me the car, but now that I want to borrow the car to go out with my friends, he refused to let me have the car. That was really infuriating and I had to bite my tougue to keep myself from lashing out whilst forcing down the bile in my throat listening to his bullshit and agreeing like a mindless drone.
I left the house early in the morning after a heated arguement with my dad over the stupid car, met several of my friends for lunch. Turns out that from them, it is a phase in life. When they wanted the car initially, their parents refused to eventually they relented. Maybe it's just another phase that I'll be going through. But it's just as irritating. Their parents will lend them the car if they needed to do errands or get groceries for them or even pick them up, but if they wanted to go out with their friends, access to the car would be refused.
After I left them, today I felt really down and bitter, maybe it was the car issue in the morning, or it could be the rain.. Or it could be the Nights out that we were given on Thursday but I didn't have the mood to go out at all, Nights out so what? Where can we go? What can we do?
Or it could be the bad dream on Wednesday that I went bankrupt in life, it would sound really stupid, but to me it's a really bad dream if I've failed in life and that is enough to spoil my mood for the rest of the day. After the car issue, I was just moody.
It could be the moodiness brought over from last week, or the suppressed irritation during the CNY period, or it could be the piece of news that I learnt recently. 43 students in Singapore were awarded the prestigious Australian UNSW Golden jubilee scholarships. To even be eligible for that scholarship, you need a bloody gold medal or be the top or 2nd student in your course during polytechnic. I have a friend was awarded that. Her GPA was only 0.03 points away from mine. Of course coming fourth doesn't help at all. What's the point of studying so hard when you're just so near, yet so far? WTF is the point of getting that gpa when it doesn't get you anything at all?
That's enough to make me feel bitter. Of course, she's happily studying in UNSW for a double degree now and just left a few days ago. Right now, the current count is 4 friends who have left overseas for studies. Maybe I should do the same and follow suit. Leave this bloody place for several years to simmer down.
Or maybe the reason to my current tumulous emotions could be the fact that I saw an old classmate of mine, Ting Ting and her bf. Suddenly I felt I was invisible. Or maybe I really was went to passed right through me like apparitions. Just seeing her opened old wounds and painful memories. If I see Yahloon today I will still KILL him.
Okay, maybe I've matured a little since secondary and armed with more deadly skills, I could maybe just paralyze his sister or father by snapping their vertebrae column, and let him live those wounds for the rest of his life. Yeah, that would probably be more painful.
But at least she's happy with her new boyfriend. I've got other friends who have gotten attached recently and happily too. I am happy for them, but that only means I'll probably lose contact with them as well. It's an inevitable process of life.
I went home running on a short fuze. This weekend has been dreadful, and I can't believe I am longing to head back to camp. You mean even after coming home from camp I've got to endure such bullshit!? It's been already 6 months, and I've got 3 more months to go. I am emotionally weary and worn out. I've got 3 more months to go. In the blink of an eye, 6 months of bone-exhausting training has gone by. I am just tired.
When I returned home after lunch, I found out that my dad was going to fetch a relative, giving her a lift to the airport from M'sia. Wtf? You don't want to lend me the car and now you want me to drive you again?! WTF. Most likely wanting me to drive and give em a lift to the airport.
I left the house.
It took me 3 mins to change and leave! Never really changed and left the house in such a hurry before. Just didn't want to see them before dad got out of the bathroom. Slamming the door did bring about a slight gratification. I didn't exactly know where I was going or where I wanted to go but I just wanted to be as far away from the house as possible. So I hopped on the first bus that came by, 111 to Orchard road.
Turns out that today is the Chingay parade and the bus routes were diverted. Okay. So I thought, "maybe I can see the Chingay parade to cool down", and I got off at DFS, braving the throngs of people through the underpass over to Wisma. There I got myself a slight vantage point sitting ONTOP of the Mrt shelter. (don't ask me how I got there, it wasn't exactly too difficult) moreover my decision making and consequence processor wasn't working perfectly. I felt as if I could have easily taken on 4 armed cisco auxiliary police guards patrolling the area. You know that familiar feeling of rage and vengeance? It was coursing through my veins that moment. I needed something to vent my irritation and pressure valve that was waiting to blow it's top. I just wanna hit something.
The bloody parade was so slow. Progress was non existent and the performers seemed to be milling about on the road more content with chatting with one another and moving up and down their elaborately decorated floats. I felt more irritated just watching them as if I was waiting for something to happen, obviously nothing was happening and what a joke of a parade this was. So I left and had dinner alone at pepper lunch at Taka. It was mildly gratifying, but I wasn't fulfilled. So I had another meal at Yoshinoya just opposite. It was strange, I didn't feel full, so I had another meal at MOS burger just opposite. 3 meals! I don't know how I managed to eat it all but I did.
I left, it was depressing to eat alone, depression seem to ease a little bit of the anger and irritation and I was slightly calmer, so I walked around. So this is what it feels like when you just need to be alone. Actually it's not my first time I am walking around alone to cool down. But now I am doing just that. I was just moving around making decisions on the spot. I walked around taka and wisma atria looking at mannequins and displays through the shop windows, but not mentally registering anything.
Mindlessly I left taka and walked over to the bus stop where I'd usually head home. Then I just remembered that 111 was diverted because of the Chingay parade, but that didn't stop me, the first bus to come by was the Great World City shuttle, and I hopped onto it and before I knew it I was at Great World City. The place was just as crowded as Orchard. After roaming around for a while just wasting time. I went home. My parents had already left. I chatted on msn for a while before I hit the sack.
It has been a lousy day.
11:46 PM
