Sunday, February 11, 2007
This is a very angsty entry and is the product of bottled up emotions that have lasted over a period of time till now. It's finally the end of yet another week. I don't know what exactly it is, but somehow or rather the weeks seem to be getting longer and longer. I was feeling unhappy and moody since Friday. What have I managed to achieve for the week? The end of this week marks the finish of 6 weeks of weapons training, with another 14 weeks to go. It just seems to drag on and on. There's nothing wrong with the training, but I just wish I could just do something more instead of wasting the 5 days in camp just wishing for the weekend to arrive at an accelerated pace. What is wrong?
FX tranquility? What a joke, I feel far from being tranquil right now. I feel distant, detached, unhappy, moody, defensive, aggressive, irate. Maybe pained.
Why do I feel this frustration even though the weekend has finally arrived? Is it the routine? What have I been doing this 6 weeks in weapons phase? Or the 7 weeks in basic phase? What have I learnt? What else do I want to do?
I don't know exactly what's bothering me, maybe I'll just blabber it all out in this pointless entry in hopes that my efforts in authoring this entry will help my heart find solitude and peace.
I am cooped up in camp, but every time I get the chance I'll scour the net for good articles to read and intellectual supplements for my rapidly deteriorating cerebral mass. I'll try to find blogs of my friends to try and keep up with their activities and keep up with their lives so that I won't feel so detached from reality and life. Yet..
I've been reading other blogs and I can't help but notice usage of certain words signifying the superior command of the English language and improvements with more complicated usage of words and vocabularic manipulation. Has my primary language of communication deteriorated to such a stage of dismal inferiority? I do read, I try to read as much as I can! But I can't seem to slow down the damn degenerative decomposing of my cerebral cortex. Has the command of my English become poorer whilst I've been intellectually rotting away in camp?
Every time I step out of camp, I am 5 days outdated from the latest news happening around the world. But News?
What a way to put it, the newspaper reports and tabloids are a real joke every time I open the papers I see the same old articles all over over again. The military spending of other countries to "protect the peace”, the damn terrorists blowing things up and Bush talking about stabilizing Iraq and pulling troops out of Iraq.
Then we have China's policy towards Taiwan, the biomedical debate in Singapore on whether Singapore is spending the money correctly. The gripes of the GST hike, bird flu fears all around the region, possible pandemic occurring, the NKF farce of TT Durai and his minions with the limelight now focused on the infamous Mr Richard Yong and Ms Matilda Chua, the IR and tourism targets that Singapore has set.
The political tussle and blame game over the bad weather gripping earth, global warming the melting of polar ice-caps, El Nino, La Nina effects, flooding in Indonesia, a feared drought approaching, Isn't anybody paying any attention?! All the problems we are facing now are caused by US! Caused by us! Fucked up humans destroying our own homes and blaming everyone else except ourselves. We pollute the waters we drink, filled the skies with our smog and litter the ground we walk on. Is it any wonder why we are paying for our mistakes? There is definitely a god up there, punishing those who deserve it. The flooding, the earthquakes, tsunamis, volcanic eruptions and droughts. It just fills the papers everyday and countries blame each other for causing the dramatic climatic shift and not doing anything about it. It's really tiring to read the same old newspaper reports day after day about the effects without seeing anything being done about it to remedy the situation.
Why is it called newspapers? It's OLD. The world we are living in is totally screwed up, a friend of mine told me, "don't blame everything on national service."Yes, I believe that is a stigma I must learn to get rid of. And get rid of it fast I must. It isn't easy, I feel so emotionally detached, festive occasions just seem to come and go. Countless of important dates and events I've missed. Valentine's day is fast approaching, but where is the love?
7 days a week, 5 days I spend in camp, yet making no progress on social interaction because all my fellow cadets and peers are trainees as well, unwilling conscripts in a place that doesn't promote social cohesion and there is jest and rivalry in every nook and cranny, not to mention the politics of the place, because of that, emotions are reserved and all everyone does is look forward to the weekend, training has lost it's human touch, bargains are not for welfare but for personal benefit.
The reserved nature doesn't end in camp, even when I eagerly come home in the weekend finally after a long week of physical training, I still have to maintain my forte and defensive posture because I can't even talk freely without fear of reprisal or unaccepting rebuttal of my point of view. I am tired, I am really tired. I cannot talk about my training because of it's sensitive nature, I cannot talk about my life because there is no life to talk about.
Whatever I want to talk about is met with uninterested attention, but instead their focus is on what they want to hear, and not what I want to talk about. As a result, I end up not saying anything that is on my mind at all, but merely replying monosyllabic opinioned statements that are so mellow I cringe at my own words. I cannot say or release what's on my mind and that is extremely frustrating, I can't say them to my peers in NS, and now I can't talk about what bothers me to my own family? I am not just physically tired, I am emotionally drained as well. Emotions bottled up with no path to go and pressure building without a release valve. Maybe one course of action is to just shut up. But isn't that what I am already doing? Maybe I should SHUT UP MORE.
In camp, it's all about the maintaining the image. Freshly pressed uniform, countless hours spent on grooming and maintenance for the most petty and measly tiny detail that serves no practical purpose. What's the complaint over ONE bloody crease in our uniform? Or ONE stubble of missed facial hair? Yes, we have to be neat, that's true, but when people have nothing to do, they pick on every small, slightest of petty of issues involving personal grooming that even teenage girls wouldn't bother about. Maintaining the image that the training serves a higher all-mighty practical purpose, what's the point of all the parties organized and the media involved? No matter how wide the commander's smile is, how big the cake is, how shiny the ceremonial sword is, how freshly starched the uniforms are or how glamorous and extravagant the parties held are, we are still using inadequate, antiquated equipment when the money could be better spent elsewhere.
But as an officer-in-training, complaining reflects poorly on the individual, even as humans we cannot gripe, cannot grouse and cannot bloody make any noise about our individual opinion, constructive comments or suggestions are shot down because there is a bloody hierarchy to adhere to. It's like hitting a wall with your fists and hoping something constructive to occur in front of your eyes.
I keep saying I know what I want and how I am going to get it. But what do I want? I don't really know what's with me, or maybe my hormones have gone crazy with my genetic structure being rearranged by the weather all around me and the environment that I currently dwell in or maybe it's the training that I am going through? I feel violent and destructive, it's like a damn pressure vessel just waiting to go atomic. I feel like exploding but I can't.
I blog this entry, I pray, I even try listening to Chinese music for refuge! In hopes of finding peace, but I just feel awful and really unhappy. What do I really want? Why do I feel this way? I just want to HIT something! But will that help?
Does this violent outburst of emotion result in a negative view of TKD black belts? Does sprouting profanity result in a negative view of officers in the SAF? Does complaining result in a negative view of my personal being?
I am only human for fucking hell!
I feel mildly better after blogging this entry. The time is now 8.40pm. I have to leave for camp in 20 minutes and the cycle begins all over again, I don't even know what constructive activity I had done to pass this weekend.
8:49 PM
